Sarahritchie17 I think the best thing to do about something that makes you uncomfortable is to learn about it. That’s why this year, for Pride month, I started reading the book Trans Mission: My Quest to a Beard by Alex Bertie. Yes, I know pride month was two months ago; I’m a slow reader. I just finished the book last week and wanted to share some quotes from it that resonated with me along with some thoughts and reflection.
Disclaimer: This book was written primarily for an audience of transgender people. I didn’t really know what to expect when I picked it, but I knew I wanted to learn how I could be a better ally to the transgender community as I already support friends that are gay; I just don’t know much about the latter letters of LGBTQ+. As an ally, it was a little uncomfortable reading the details of some of the medical procedures—a little TMI for me. I really wanted to finish the book cover to cover though, and I’m glad I did because the last few chapters offered some great insights into what allies of the trans community can do to offer support.
Side note: Citations are chapter name and page number.
Without further ado, here are 20 passages I highlighted in the book:
“[M]aybe one day, hair will just be hair and clothes will just be clothes, without assumptions of gender being attached to them.”
Let’s Get Some Things Straight, 11
I don’t think I ever really thought much about how gender “norms” are so systemically defined by the clothes we wear. Of course, I’ve always been jealous of how men’s clothes have pockets that can actually fit things, but aside from that, I’d never considered how mentally taxing that could be on a transgender person.
“Instead of responding to self-harm with anger, people need to offer support.”
Puberty & Self-Hate, 46
I think this one can apply to anyone. I think in general we need to be better about supporting people with mental health issues as we support people with physical injuries.
“It was almost like taking a mask off to reveal what had been underneath the whole time. You could finally see me.”
The Big Chop, 55
This was a glimpse at the beauty and joy in the transitioning process. I think all people deserve to feel good in the skin they’re in and should experience happiness as their genuine selves.
“It’s so important to step in or at least report it if you see someone getting bullied. The chances are that the victim is too scared to do anything about it. Besides, you have no idea what someone is going through outside of school, so they might really need support.”
Dealing With Bullies, 73
True.
“Asking for help is difficult, especially if you don’t realize you need it.”
Getting Help, 81
Bertie says this after admitting that, “getting help was the best thing I could have done for myself.” I think this applies to everyone and was one of the greatest life lessons I learned during college. People are often so afraid to ask for help, but it always ends up being a good idea. I’ve seen too many people fail simply because they were afraid to ask for help.
“Lots of harsh words were said on both sides, but everything was necessary because it was honest feelings that were being aired.”
Coming Out To My Family, 105
This one resonated with me because I think it’s often true of mature adult arguments. When you don’t air the honesty, it stacks up and will ultimately come out sooner or later.
“It’s key to remember that as much as your transition is about you and your struggle, other people in your life will be affected too.”
Coming Out To My Family, 111
“I wanted them to support me immediately, but in reality it takes time to get used to seeing someone in a different light.”
Coming Out To My Family, 112
“But to close friends and family, it can be quite a shock to see someone they love become physically different, even though to the trans person their new appearance is just how they felt all along.”
Coming Out To My Family, 118
These three quotes were interesting to me because I felt like they gave permission to family, friends, and allies to grieve and have feelings when someone they know comes out. As much as cisgender (conforming to the gender identity assigned at birth) people will never fully understand the challenges faced by a transgender person, they can still be affected by and emotional about the transitioning of a loved one.
“It felt like all the work and pain I had put into transitioning had been undone with one word. My old name was a statement of my time living as female, and it infuriated me to hear it.”
Hello! My Name Is…, 122
“My birth name still haunts me to this day and makes me feel very uncomfortable when I hear it, even if it’s being used to refer to someone else. I get this feeling of being disconnected from my body; it’s like I try to mentally remove myself from the situation.”
Hello! My Name Is…, 128
I had no idea how offensive or hurtful it could be to use someone’s birth name instead of their chosen name. When someone you’ve known a long time transitions, it can be difficult to switch to using a different name for that person. It takes intentional effort every single time to override the auto-birth-name-use, but I know now how important it is to make that effort.
“The suicide rate among trans people is huge—in America, 40 percent of them have attempted suicide at some point.”
Starting My Physical Transition, 157
This stat is just so tragic. To me it shows that we’re not where we need to be in supporting transgender people in their mental health and medical needs.
“By having surgery, I’m repairing my body, not mutilating it.”
Bottom Surgery, 202
I can see how this statement could be controversial to non-supporters of the transgender community, but I think that if you have an open mind, it’s a good way to reframe a process that can be difficult to comprehend and justify as a cisgender person.
“If someone’s family kicks them out after they come out as trans, and they can’t find a job due to transphobic employers, there are few other options. It’s so important for society to make progress in their knowledge and acceptance of transgender people.”
Job Hunting, 253
“Between 2008 and 2014, there were 1,731 recorded cases of trans people being murdered worldwide.”
Our Place In The World, 255
“I honestly think that you can only be afraid of what you don’t understand.”
A Message From My Mum, 278
Why I read this book in the first place. I think we all should be learning more about the things that make us uncomfortable.
“While it’s nice to feel interesting, a trans person isn’t a science project, so please don’t stare!”
Accepting Trans People, 286
Common sense, but worth noting.
“Try asking, ‘Which pronouns do you use?’ This is a more respectful and sensitive way of asking how they identify. It shows that you understand that someone’s gender expression doesn’t always match up with their identity.”
Accepting Trans People, 286
This is definitely something I’m putting in my back pocket for use at a later date. Tactful, polite, and to the point.
“Ultimately, accepting or supporting a trans person doesn’t mean holding their hand on the way to the gender identity clinic or being the first person they see after surgery. It means giving them peace of mind by respecting who they are.“
Accepting Trans People, 286
This chapter was full of the lessons and takeaways I’d hoped to gain from the book. I’ve only listed a few here because this post is getting long, but if you do read this book as a cisgender person, I think it’s the most important chapter.
“If you can take just one thing from this book, let it be to not waste another second of your life stuck being someone you’re not.”
The Other Side, 291
Good advice for anyone.
I hope some of these quotes resonated with you like they did with me. I think society has a long way to go with acceptance of people all across the gender spectrum, and I hope that this post may encourage others to learn more. You don’t have to be a part of a community to educate yourself on their beliefs and values. I think it’s critical that we do learn about people different from ourselves to foster a more respecting and respectful world.
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Cheers!
Sarah
