Stop discounting yourself

I’m not sure if guys have this problem, but lately I’ve noticed a pattern of ladies discounting themselves.

At the close of Women’s History Month 2021, I thought it might be an appropriate topic in relation to women’s empowerment and the concept of women supporting each other in ‘community over competition.’

I had this conversation with a friend of mine at dinner a couple weeks ago, and I thought that maybe others could benefit from this message too. Perhaps it’s not even a message I’m trying to convey, but a conversation I’m trying to start.

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When did it become cool to say, “I don’t care if I’m last, as long as I finish,” and “I will probably be the slowest one,” and “I’m just trying to make the minimum.”?

These are the icebreakers I heard from women at flight school last month as we sat in the bleachers waiting for our physical fitness test to begin. Again I heard these sentiments with another group of women as we began our survival swim course a couple weeks later.

These are the same women who make up the less than 10% of the aviation community both in the industry and in the military. They are elite women and each has proven her leadership. Some had already earned their Master’s degrees from exceptional programs and each had earned her opportunity to train to potentially become a Navy or Marine Corps pilot. They’d worked their butts off to make it to the seats they were sitting in, and yet, there they were discounting themselves.

I felt the urge to say something similar to fit in and be part of the conversation, but I wasn’t going to lie. My truth was that I was going to try my best regardless of the test because that’s just who I am. I had also worked my butt off to make it to this point in my career, and I was not going to let off the gas now. Even though no one cared about how well I did as long as I met the minimum scores to pass, I still cared. I hoped I wouldn’t be the slowest because I’ve been building my strength as a runner over the past 3 years and have trained for a 15K and half-marathon in those years. I also knew that if I said I didn’t care and then blew past all the other women (because I actually did care), then I would just look like a jerk.

I’m not at all accusing these women of lying. I’m sure that admitting that running wasn’t her strong suit might have been her truth and that’s perfectly fair. I’m saying that regardless, we may surprise ourselves by doing better than we thought possible if we just give ourselves a fair chance and don’t discount ourselves from the start. Maybe if we don’t say out loud that we’re going to be the worst, then we won’t actually believe it.

As the conversations arose again before the swim, I struggled once again to stay silent because I knew that my 18 years of competitive swimming amounted to some experience and comfort in the water, but I didn’t want to sound cocky. (In fact, I’d estimated that I’d spent at least 10,000 hours in pools either swimming or teaching swim lessons, so in theory I was a qualified expert and might even teach survival swim in another setting.) Of course, admitting that I was really good at something would not help me fit in with this group, so I just kept it to myself.

This isn’t to say that I haven’t discounted myself before. So many times I’ve been in that group of women who downplays herself. Many times I’ve lacked the confidence in myself or just felt like making myself seem smaller or slower or like less might bring another woman comfort or even lift her up. “Don’t worry about being last because I will for sure be slower.”

Even with this blog, every time I talk about it, I always throw in a qualifier like, “but I only have 3 readers” or “but it’s just a hobby.” I’m really bad about that. So, yes, I need to do a better job at practicing what I preach on this one.

But what if we could support one another and empower one another without putting ourselves down.

What if we could say things like:

• I’m actually feeling pretty good about this run. I’ve been doing a lot of running lately.
• I actually have a lot of experience in this field, so if you need advice, I’d be happy to help.
• I’m just going to do my best today and see what happens.

Or even take it a step further and take out the qualifiers:

• I’m feeling good about this run.
• I have a lot of experience in this field, so if you need advice, I’d be happy to help.
• I’m going to do my best today.

I wonder if we could hear these things from a women and not think:

• She’s overly confident.
• That’s rude.
• She thinks she’s better than me.

What if we could think instead:

• That’s a confident and empowered woman.
• This could be her arena; I have expertise in another arena.
• If she’s giving this her all, then I might as well show up and do my best too.

I think, perhaps, shifting how we perceive confident women may need to happen before we can comfortably stop discounting ourselves.

Imagine what we could do if we could celebrate the strengths of strangers and the work they might have done behind the scenes that we didn’t get to witness. Imagine if you could benefit from her strengths instead of making her feel like she has to hide them.

I think that when women stop discounting themselves and live fully into their strength and power and give things their all, we are unstoppable, boundless, forces to be reckoned with.

I bet that Serena Williams doesn’t go onto the tennis court saying, As long as I don’t lose, I’ll be happy. I bet that Amelia Earhart wasn’t hoping for just a minimum passing score on her flight exam but was aiming much higher. I bet that the women behind the Mars rover, Perseverance, didn’t start building the robot downplaying their experiences in the STEM field. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe each of these women did have her doubts and vocalized them to other women.

Regardless, I just don’t think the habit serves us well. I’m curious to know what you think. Leave me a comment here or on Instagram @genuinesunshineblog.

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Cheers!

Sarah